My neighbor can not read or write. No, really – he struggles! He is probably the best con-man I have ever seen in that he covers for it so perfectly! One day when he was very angry he said ” most people don’t take the time to really really get to know me” and ” I know I BS all the time, but that is just a front”. Just because one can not read or write does not mean one is a retard. Bobby went from foster home to foster home then juvy and then prison. He got set-up for a car he did not steal – in his words “I was as innocent as a baby jus dropped outa his mama”. Knowing our judicial system today, it would not surprise me but knowing Bobby guilty as charged. Bobby is a Hillbilly in every respect of the word. Not white trash (below him – although he sometimes borders on it) and not a redneck (you guessed it above him) he is pure southern Okeechobee Hillbilly! His stories have stories! Peel back all the bullshit and you have a man who just wants to be loved and find love.
Geeez that was a big qualifier, his “old lady” 27 years old and the mother of three of his four children, and a good woman who had had enough BS – ran off with a 62 year old “Grandpa” with a wrinkly ole ass” to quote Bobby. Bobby has the kids and truly loves his children and does not make any distinction toward the one that “ain’t his”. So feeling the need for love and wanting to meet ladies, he asked me to hook him up with an online id ! I thought for a moment and wrote “CowboyontheRanch”. He asked me, his semi-literate neighbor, to write an intro to “snag them heifers”. He figured he would need a “herd” so he could cull out the ones he did not want. He figured he would look into Sheridan, Billings and well Lame Deer cause “hell, not Lodge Grass – don’t wanna shit where ya eat”.
I have never been online dating so my learning curve was steep. Not as steep as Bobby’s! His herd consisted of some choice meat from all three areas and you know every 24 – 28 year old wants a guy with four kids. So, the first lady was mid 40’s, from Texas, and one of the sweetest ladies. Well, she did not have the looks of his ex – so while she loved his kids…sorry.
In walks Sarah – the classic down home southern bell. He writes her (well, I do) and tells her he would like to chat via text or e-mail. (I had him buy a cell phone that does voice to text because I only have so much time – problem is when ya talk Hillbilly the phone has no clue and ya can’t read so ya hit “send” anyway) One text came out as “I like sin boys” he was trying to say ” I like thin bodies”. I digress and you get the picture. Sarah sends pictures and we both go wow! His middle daughter says “gee dad, she looks 19!”. The courtship begins and Bobby falls hard. This girl is perfect in everyway! She loves kids, loves the outdoors, she is the quintessential woman for Bobby!
Bobby asks her when they can meet kinda like this – “air u rat” which the cell phone translates to where u at. Bam, the con begins! They say you can not con a con man – well…I beg to differ! She says ” Bobby I wanna talk on the phone to you” and ” send me money!”. Either $250 so I can buy a phone or just $80 for a phone card and I will stand in line to talk to you at the local pay phone. Bobby pops for the $80 but wait wait wait…Bobby you are sending the money to Nigeria? “Oh iss alright Hoss….she is a missionary student studying nursing and helps poor children.” WHAT ?
Another week goes by and she occasionally calls and I intercept her e-mail and begin reading about Nigerian dating scams! Bobby in the meantime is “in love”. 100% she loves me and says all the right things…Bam, she hits again! I want to be Mrs. Bobby…I want to love you Bobby, I want to…yep you know the rest! I need $580 to “get my passport” and then I will fly straight to you! Bobby is on it! He is hot on it – ready to pawn tools, vehicles anything to fulfill his dream! I run her e-mail and find her! There is a nice little site that traces e-mail for free. Bingo – SCAM in Nigeria please refer to this site and see if you recognize any of these pictures. There Sarah is looking out with those innocent eyes that say…send me money!
Bobby has a new motto – “Build ur herd local and cull it twice”